Shifting Foundations

3/14/11

Right now, I am thinking about how something is amiss in my life.  I feel like I'm walking in a dream, not really present.  I think of things I want to change in my life, but I feel no motivation to change them.  The last time that I felt this way (just a few months ago), Dave pointed out that it was because my religious foundations were shifting.  It's hard to feel connected in your life or motivated to make changes when your anchors are shifting and you don't know where they will finally stay. 

Now I think my foundations are shifting again, but in a different area.  Now I am trying to come to terms with the severity of Dave's depression.  I feel like I have a new role - wife of a husband with depression - that is completely seperate from the "wife" role.  I'm coming to terms with the idea that based on his depression, Dave may not be a consistent provider, may not always have energy to help around the house, may not be able to plan things for me.  And even with the depression, I without hesitation chose Dave as my spouse for life.  But his depression affects us both, and I'm just coming to terms with the impact it will have on me. 

I'm starting to gain some confidence in my role as wife-of-a-husband-with-depression.  Here are some things working well so far:

-Don't try to do everything for Dave.  Decide together what each will do, then leave it to Dave to do his part.

-Dress up for Dave.  I've been putting 20 minutes into my appearance, instead of 10, partly to look good for him.  It helps me maintain our courtship.

-Don't show affection robottically.  When I start to kiss Dave or hold his hand or something, I try to be present and really thing about what I'm doing and enjoy it.  That also helps courtship, reminds me of my love, and makes me happy. 

-Go to Dave's appointments when possible.  This reminds me that we're managing his depression together, and helps me feel a part of things.

On an entirely unrelated note, I have been having a BLAST with Dave's brothers, Tim and Wayne, being in town.