Feeling sad, part I

7/5/11, 10:00 pm

I don't really have all the words for what I am trying to say or what I am feeling.  But I just broke down crying in bed asking Dave if he thought that I really saw who he was as a whole person, and then talking about how I feel like nobody sees the emptiness in me.  That's been building for a lot of months.  I just sent out a message to a bunch of my friends asking if they would remember my birthday in some special way this year, because it seemed so important to me that I get some kind of attention this year.  


And that's true by itself, but it's more than that.  I think I realized tonight that I just feel that no one understands a part of me that has come up over the past 6 months.  What's more, no one has tried to understand it.  People have told me that they know it's "been hard", but no one has talked to me about or expressed or acknowledged the vacuum of it, the...  I don't have words for it.  The constant hardness.  I need stronger, better words than "hard."  I need someone to try to understand and to acknowledge how painful it has been for me.  But nobody has, and it makes me feel alone.  


I don't know why I haven't been able to get that out.  I've tried a few times, I know.  I think they were superficial attempts, partially because I didn't know exactly what I needed to talk about so I couldn't say, "I need you to ask me about how I'm feeling, and what I have been feeling".  Jake asked me what I'd been feeling the past 6 months.  He was initially asking about Dave's doubts about the church, but he extended it to his depression as well.  


I don't think anybody else has asked me what I've been feeling.  They've asked me how I've been doing, but not what I've been feeling.  Including, by the way, my therapist.  I knew there was a reason I wanted to start therapy when Dave's depression was getting bad, and I had a couple of reasons that I thought were good reasons (like defining expectations and mourning some things I felt like I'd lost), and we talked about those, but we never got anywhere close to what I think was what I really needed acknowledged - that I felt empty.


I wish I had better words.  I have a few scenes that come to mind -
-Driving down the highway after coming home to Dave being irritable, trying to acknowledge that he has a right to be irritable and to get rid of my thoughts that he shouldn't be irritable because I haven't given him a reason to be irritable, trying hard to get myself into a good state of mind so I am ready to go back home, even when I know he might not be in a good state of mind when I get there.
-Washing the floor.  A lot.
-Dave endlessly asking me what he can do to help me, and me knowing that's a good thing and trying to figure out what to say, when the real answer is "Think of something you can do to help me"
-Not knowing what to say or how much can be handled.
-Constant censoring and feeling alone.  All the time feeling alone and separated. 
-Not knowing what to do.  All the time trying to figure out what to do.  All the time wondering if there's something more I can do.  Trying to be balanced and to know it's not my fault or completely my responsibility, but even just keeping that mindset is just one more thing to do, one more hard thing to do.  To keep your thoughts constantly in line.  
-Wanting to go out with friends and knowing that there aren't any friends who will actually talk with me about what I'm going through.
-Looking up "depression support groups" 3 different times on google, only to find there's nothing in provo.
-Knowing its not as bad for me as it is for Dave and I should just suck it up.  I'm the strong one, right?
-Worrying about what we should do for my birthday party and wishing I had someone who would want to take care of my birthday... without me having to ask about it and without me having to worry about it.  


There.  I guess that's it.  Now I'm crying again, so that must have captured a good part of it somewhere in there.

[EDITORIAL COMMENT:  I have wonderful friends, and I am surrounded by very supportive people.  I don't want to suggest that I felt like anyone should have treated me better: that's not the case.  I didn't recognize what I needed (to have it acknowledged that things were really hard for me, and that I was trying hard and doing okay) and so I couldn't ask for it.  I wish that someone could have helped me recognize that, but it's possible they couldn't have even if they tried (and maybe they did without my notice) until I was ready.]