First entry on worsening depression

9/11/10  
David is more depressed than he ever has been before.  When I told him that I was just starting to realize how deep his depression is, he said, “You and me both.”  He’s been pretty suicidal for the past two weeks, and is starting to lose energy.  He already had little to no interest in anything. 

            
For most of today, I was more scared and worried than I have been in a long time.  For the first time I realized that Dave’s serious doubts about our church put us on two different life paths – I had liked that we were so unified in our life plans, and it actually made me have a tear to think about that.  Still, I support him in doing whatever he needs to be happy.  But that adds a great deal of uncertainty into our lives, my life – between that and his depression being so severe he might have to drop his classes, I started wondering what will happen to us.  I feel that I am further from God than I have been in a long time, and so I did not even have my faith in His help to fall back on.  I felt quite hopeless and lost for part of the day.  But I promised God while I was at the temple today that I would be willing to do anything if we could have his help, especially in doing what is best for Dave (because I feel like I have NO IDEA what I am doing).  And so when I got to stake conference, instead of goofing off or writing down ideas like I’ve been doing lately, I listened to what they were saying.  Some of the talks were on hope, and I felt like I am more hopeless than I have ever been before in my life, and it made me sad.  But for a brief moment, I had that feeling that everything would be all right.  I have faith in that.  Between me, Dave, and God, we can work it out.  Everything will be all right.  Dave and I went out to dinner with one of our gift cards, and Dave let me talk about our future and some of the questions I had, and I feel a little more secure now.  We have some ideas for how we might be able to alleviate his depression, and I know that whatever happens, we will find a way to pull through and continue to have a strong family and the potential for joy in our lives.