Hope

Hope for me is a candle that flickers, but never goes out.

When he started feeling down last week, Dave fell behind in his homework.  I hope this isn't just me being perfectionistic and performance-based (which I know that I often am), but whenever I learn that, my fears for the future spike.  Being behind in school often triggers a downward spiral.  Dave and I have both been so much hoping that things will be better for a while now, even if we both try not to count on it, and even if we both know to expect bumps along the road.  My candle started flickering.

But somehow it turned out okay.  Dave's mood went up, and he stayed up, catching up, late in the evening.  Things continue to go well.  And I am so, so happy.  I've been happy for a lot of reasons, even during some of the time that Dave was down over the past week, but I am so happy now.  I wish I had words for how happy I am, for how wonderful it is to sit across from Dave when he's happily working and making jokes, to smile at him when he makes incredibly clever responses to everything I say, even though I know he's listening all the same.  I'm happy right now.

Reading for Two

One of the most frustrating aspects to me of having a spouse with depression is the PRN necessity to be emotionally mature enough for two people.  I expect that this is necessary at some points in any marriage, but it's frustrating to me regardless.

Last Wednesday and Thursday I started feeling really weighed down, the way that I usually do when Dave's depression is worsening (lots of reasons for that, but I won't go in to them here).  I asked him how he was feeling, and he said he was doing fine.  He was playing video games more and talking less, as he often does when he's down, but he said he was doing just fine.  So I had to double-evaluate:

1) Am I really sure of what I am noticing in Dave?  Am I reading his emotional state correctly?
2) And since he says that's not right, what else can be making me feel that way?  What is wrong with my initial interpretation of my own emotions?

Now, it turns out he was feeling pretty down, and didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to worry me.  In this case my initial reaction was right, but it isn't always.  When Dave is down, I feel like I have to emotionally read both of us, and in two ways.  First, as in this case, I have to evaluate how I think Dave is doing, and then check my own emotions to see if they are clouding the truth.  But additionally, I have to weigh different emotional responses.  When Dave is feeling really down, I try to be aware of his emotional state at the same time I'm figuring out my own.  Sometimes I'm angry at the same time that he is feeling most down and in need of comfort, and I have to figure out which need is more important.    

There's a lot of "have to"s in this post.  I know I don't have to do any of this, but it feels like I should, and that's probably why I end up feeling frustrated.

Slump and my own issues

Dave said he was having a harder time on Wednesday and Thursday this week.  He told me he just couldn't be motivated to do his homework, and so he cleaned the house and did laundry instead.  When he first started telling me that the past couple days had been hard, and he hadn't been able to do homework, it felt a little like slipping right back into all the old feelings of being trapped and afraid.  But when he said that he had done housework instead, it was like a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders.  I had been dreading doing that housework, and to know that Dave had done it, that he had worked for our family even when he wasn't feeling on the top of his game, felt like a ball and chain being unlocked.  

I had to remind him that that was wonderful, and appreciated, because he was still feeling like he hadn't done anything.  But that is a huge difference to me, and I think he was able to acknowledge that at least to some extent.  

And now on to my own slump.  One of my friends asked me recently if I thought I had any depression.  I said I didn't think so, and I still don't, but my perfectionism is seriously flaring up.  I worked on it in therapy for a few months last summer, and after those sessions and then a few more months of application, I felt so happy.  For probably the first time in my life, I felt like I had a personality, that I was someone unique and innately valuable and separate from my achievements.    

And for the past several weeks I haven't felt like that.  I have been recognizing a lot more black-and-white thinking, overwhelming, labeling, and should-ing in my thoughts.  I made a mistake at work yesterday that my (incredibly cool, btw) boss had to take some time to correct.  She didn't put any blame on me, said that it was completely understandable and she was glad I was able to help her by phone, but I still felt guilty, so guilty I couldn't really focus on the conversations my brothers were having.  I just wanted to be able to forget all about it.  I haven't felt this way in a long time.  I make mistakes -everybody does.  It shouldn't traumatize me like that (and there's another should).  The worst part about when I get like this is that I already feel overwhelmed by everything I have to do to fulfill all my obligations perfectly, and then I add to that "overcome perfectionism," even though I have no idea how to do that.

So I have my own issues I'm attempting to work through.  I'm grateful that Dave always, always will set aside whatever he is going through to help me when I am in need.

Why I chose this

My Dad had very severe depression while I was growing up, and he went into treatment (several different kinds of treatment, actually) when I was 18.  It's remarkable to me that I didn't know that my dad had depression until he announced that he was going in to treatment.  Very suddenly, a lot of things made sense, and I was shocked that I hadn't realized how infrequently my dad smiled or laughed, or that he was never satisfied with his work performance, etc. etc.  But I was even more shocked that I never knew how much stress my mom was under.  I had no idea, because she carried herself with so much grace and was so other-focused, always present for me regardless of what else was going on.

At some point following this revelation, I decided that I would not, could not, marry someone with severe depression.  I thought that of all the things I could face, that alone would be too much for me.  

But I knew Dave had depression before we got married, and at some point during our dating I recognized that he had more or less exactly (I didn't know it would become this severe, but I knew he had depression and that anything could happen) what I had set myself against.  And I chose Dave over that decision.  I chose Dave because I knew that he made me happy, that I could never be as happy without him as I was with him.  I wanted him in my life forever, and it was worth whatever else I might have to face.  

And I still choose Dave, on a daily basis.  I'm a fairly pragmatic person (okay, really pragmatic, even though I think the word sounds cold), and I've had a few heart to hearts with myself assessing whether or not I'd be happier if I left the relationship.  And I always conclude no.  I still need Dave to be happy.  He still makes me happy, and gives me a sense of stability and comfort and confidence that my dreams are possible.  

And going through all the worst times - is worth it.  It's worth it for days like today, when I come home to a living room of partially-folded laundry, from a husband who saw I was running out of underwear.  When I fall asleep waiting for him in the parking lot, and wake up to him rubbing my shoulders because he loves me and shows his love for me every day.  When he tells me he's just passed off his program, and I know that a big part of why he's in school, pushing through all his homework (and succeeding!) is because he cares about me and wants to be able to succeed and to support me.  Because I know he quite literally lives for me.  

And that's pretty nice.

P.S. I was reminded of this decision when I was talking about my blog with one of my coworkers today - I'm grateful for people at work (and elsewhere) who make me feel valued and like what I have to say is important.

All wrapped up

Several people have told me that they wanted to talk to me about how I was feeling over the past few months, but in one way or another I was unresponsive.  My dad wrote, "I had the impression you didn't want to talk in depth about it when related topics came up.  I sometimes wondered if you were simply your usual superhuman self, handling it far better than anybody could expect from typical people in the same circumstances.  Or perhaps you chose therapists or close friends as your outlet for deep sharing."  A few others expressed similar feelings, and I think I recognize now that I shut down sometimes and don't want to share my emotions, even when there are good opportunities.  Over the past few days, several people have asked me how I have been feeling & what I've been experiencing, and I have to remind myself to answer honestly and not brush it off.  

I'm interested that I am going through all of these reactions now, rather than when I was in the middle of Dave's most severe depression.  I think that at that time, I was so busy trying to figure out what to do, trying to know how to help Dave and to make it through each day or each week, that I didn't take time to figure out what I was feeling.  There wasn't time, frankly.  

I think that maybe when Dave's depression got really bad, I grabbed hold of the emotions I was feeling, like someone grabbing on to a piece of toilet paper from the roll.  

Then I kept hurrying and scurrying and turning around, until I ended up a complete mess of emotions and didn't know where to start to unravel it all.

When people ask you how you're doing, it's hard to say, "Well....  I don't really know...  Let me think out loud about it for a few minutes until I can figure it out."  But that's what I'm starting to do, and I think I'm getting down to the last few layers of emotions.  Soon I'll be free, and in all likelihood, ready to start again.

The best you can expect

A lot of my friends and family have talked with me since I've shared this blog.  A lot of people have expressed their support, but what is most relieving for me is when 1) people ask me about my experience and 2) share what they've noticed about how I've handled it, and how they've known that it's been hard for me.  I've been really happy that my friends and family care about me enough to seek me out and have those conversations the past few days.

During one of those conversations yesterday, one of my best friends asked me, "What's the best you can expect for the future with Dave's depression?" 

That's a question I've been thinking a lot about lately.  I think it would be naive to think Dave's depression will never be as bad as it has been again.  I'm confident that we will sink this low again, at least a few times during our lives.  Right now he is doing really well, succeeding in his classes and really enjoying being out with friends, and generally (naturally not always) feeling happy.  I feel like this is wonderful, this is almost complete absence of depression.  My hope is that he will stay doing this well for some time, with only little downturns-and-returns along the way.  

And then my hope is that when things do get worse, we keep finding tools to eventually return to doing well again.  I'm really happy with how happy David is right now, and I am trying to enjoy the high times while they're here, and we'll weather the low times when they come.

With Music Strong I come

I've really struggled with the decision whether or not to make a public blog about my experience with my husband's depression.  On the one hand, I'm hesitant to share my life with Joe Schmoe on the internet, and I'm slightly hesitant to share these experiences with even those close to me.


But on the other hand, I have scoured the internet for blogs of people with depressed spouses.  I have been desperate to know what other people are experiencing, and to know if they go through anything like me.  I haven't been able to find much, but maybe other people out there are searching, too.


And I do want those close to me to at least have access to my experience.  Maybe it will help them to know what I've been dealing with - more likely it will help me to have them know, and it will help me to document it.  


So I've decided to put this blog out there.  I've gone through all of my journal entries since Dave's depression started getting bad, and I've posted everything relevant here.  (FYI, Dave has read through everything and is okay with my posting it).  


***
With music strong I come, with my cornets and my drums,
I play not marches for accepted victors only, I play marches for conquered and slain persons.
Have you heard that it was good to gain the day?
I also say it is good to fall, battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won.
I beat and pound for the dead,
I blow through my embouchures my loudest and gayest for them.
Vivas to those who have failed!
And to those whose war vessels sank in the sea!
And to those themselves who sank in the sea!
And to all generals that lost engagements, and all overcome heroes!
And the numberless unknown heroes equal to the greatest heroes known!


I want this blog, like the experience it's supposed to document, to celebrate and beat and pound for Dave, regardless of the outcome of our battle to manage his depression.  I am grateful every day - I think I can honestly say every day, even though some days it's muted or overcome by other things - for his constant work to overcome his depression.  He really does work all the time to do whatever he can to lighten his load, and by extension to lighten mine.


And I also want this blog to play music for me, regardless of outcome.  I am working every day, too.
We, like so many others out there, are fighting a good fight.

Return of Hope

7/6/11

Dave and I journaled and talked for a long time last night.  One of my favorite things about Dave is that no matter how late it is, no matter what else he has going on, he will set everything aside and hold me and listen to me.  In addition to that, when his depression isn't so severe that he shuts down, he really tries to understand how I am feeling, even when I am feeling some negative emotions about him.  And so after listening to me last night, he told me that he had always been amazed at my strength, and it hadn't really occurred to him that it was hard for me to be strong, that it was a constant struggle and effort.  It felt good to have that acknowledged, and to be thanked for it.

But my beloved also responded to so many of my other concerns.  Today he dropped me off at work, and when he picked me up he had my favorite chocolate in the car for me.  He told me he had planned a date for that evening.  When I got home, there was a letter for me on our bed.  I always know that Dave loves me, but his letter showed me how that love keeps developing, even when sometimes I think depression has it stalemated.

We went to the canyon, made a bonfire, and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.  Dave taught me how to breathe fire!  I felt closer to him and happier just being with him than I can remember in the past year.  It was wonderful.

It felt like such a relief, like a day off, to have him plan everything and take complete care of me.  It felt like a reprieve.  It felt like hope.

Feeling sad, part II

7/5/11, 11:30 pm

Dave just asked me what's been hard the past year, and I told him it's been hard to be sectioned off from him.  First when he was angry at the church, I felt like I couldn't tell him about promptings or experiences I felt that I'd had, because even though I was trying to enter his assumptions/world view and understand where he was coming from, he was too angry to accept my worldview or to acknowledge that those experiences were real and special to me.  Second, I felt I was separated from him in that I couldn't tell him things I didn't feel he could handle, about how his depression was affecting me.  A)I thought that could make his depression worse, and I was scared of doing that, and B) when he's deep in his depression he shuts down when he hears things that scare or hurt him, so talking about it wouldn't do a lot of good.  That made me feel really alone, to be a segmented self and not to be able to share everything with him.  What's more, I didn't feel there was anyone else I could share those things with, so it made me even more segmented.  After I talked about that, I said it's been hard to always know what mindview I should have, to know that it won't do me or him any good to feel like a martyr and so I should change my thinking.  It's tiring to always be changing your mindview, to try to change or get rid of your victimist or angry thoughts.  And that led to I think my biggest issue - that I was making these constant, daily, tiring changes without ever knowing when I would get something back.  I knew those changes would help dave get better, and that they would probably be the best course for me, but Dave has to be at his very peak levels before he is able to give back to me, and I didn't know when if ever these exhausting constant changes would do anything for me, would make life better for me.  And people are constantly asking how Dave is doing, and what they can do to help him - which I appreciate, I do, I do!  And then they would ask how I am doing, and I would say fine and move on.  And even people who knew it was hard for me never really asked me or really cared or acknowledged or wanted to hear about how it was hard for me.  And I think that was maybe the hardest part - feeling like my life was hard, too, but no one was helping me.


And I feel a little hurt, and angry, and dissappointed, and upset, that no one tried to help me.  One person with good intentions tried to tell me that probably Dave was doing a lot better than I thought.  And that made me feel belittled and like I should be happy and I should be satisfied because probably I didn't even know what was going on and how good things were for me.  I know that's not what he meant, but it's how I felt.  And I feel like someone, of all of the people out there in the world, should've tried to help me, and someone should've succeeded in helping me.  And I can't feel angry at Dave for not helping me, because his depression made that impossible and because he has been doing so much over the past months to get better, to get so much better.  And I'm really genuinely happy and proud of him for his work.  But it makes me feel a little alone & segmented from him that I can't be mad at him, can't have expected him to be present & aware of my problems and to help me.

[EDITORIAL COMMENT:  See editorial comment from part I]

Feeling sad, part I

7/5/11, 10:00 pm

I don't really have all the words for what I am trying to say or what I am feeling.  But I just broke down crying in bed asking Dave if he thought that I really saw who he was as a whole person, and then talking about how I feel like nobody sees the emptiness in me.  That's been building for a lot of months.  I just sent out a message to a bunch of my friends asking if they would remember my birthday in some special way this year, because it seemed so important to me that I get some kind of attention this year.  


And that's true by itself, but it's more than that.  I think I realized tonight that I just feel that no one understands a part of me that has come up over the past 6 months.  What's more, no one has tried to understand it.  People have told me that they know it's "been hard", but no one has talked to me about or expressed or acknowledged the vacuum of it, the...  I don't have words for it.  The constant hardness.  I need stronger, better words than "hard."  I need someone to try to understand and to acknowledge how painful it has been for me.  But nobody has, and it makes me feel alone.  


I don't know why I haven't been able to get that out.  I've tried a few times, I know.  I think they were superficial attempts, partially because I didn't know exactly what I needed to talk about so I couldn't say, "I need you to ask me about how I'm feeling, and what I have been feeling".  Jake asked me what I'd been feeling the past 6 months.  He was initially asking about Dave's doubts about the church, but he extended it to his depression as well.  


I don't think anybody else has asked me what I've been feeling.  They've asked me how I've been doing, but not what I've been feeling.  Including, by the way, my therapist.  I knew there was a reason I wanted to start therapy when Dave's depression was getting bad, and I had a couple of reasons that I thought were good reasons (like defining expectations and mourning some things I felt like I'd lost), and we talked about those, but we never got anywhere close to what I think was what I really needed acknowledged - that I felt empty.


I wish I had better words.  I have a few scenes that come to mind -
-Driving down the highway after coming home to Dave being irritable, trying to acknowledge that he has a right to be irritable and to get rid of my thoughts that he shouldn't be irritable because I haven't given him a reason to be irritable, trying hard to get myself into a good state of mind so I am ready to go back home, even when I know he might not be in a good state of mind when I get there.
-Washing the floor.  A lot.
-Dave endlessly asking me what he can do to help me, and me knowing that's a good thing and trying to figure out what to say, when the real answer is "Think of something you can do to help me"
-Not knowing what to say or how much can be handled.
-Constant censoring and feeling alone.  All the time feeling alone and separated. 
-Not knowing what to do.  All the time trying to figure out what to do.  All the time wondering if there's something more I can do.  Trying to be balanced and to know it's not my fault or completely my responsibility, but even just keeping that mindset is just one more thing to do, one more hard thing to do.  To keep your thoughts constantly in line.  
-Wanting to go out with friends and knowing that there aren't any friends who will actually talk with me about what I'm going through.
-Looking up "depression support groups" 3 different times on google, only to find there's nothing in provo.
-Knowing its not as bad for me as it is for Dave and I should just suck it up.  I'm the strong one, right?
-Worrying about what we should do for my birthday party and wishing I had someone who would want to take care of my birthday... without me having to ask about it and without me having to worry about it.  


There.  I guess that's it.  Now I'm crying again, so that must have captured a good part of it somewhere in there.

[EDITORIAL COMMENT:  I have wonderful friends, and I am surrounded by very supportive people.  I don't want to suggest that I felt like anyone should have treated me better: that's not the case.  I didn't recognize what I needed (to have it acknowledged that things were really hard for me, and that I was trying hard and doing okay) and so I couldn't ask for it.  I wish that someone could have helped me recognize that, but it's possible they couldn't have even if they tried (and maybe they did without my notice) until I was ready.]  

Feeling so much better

6/26/11

Now that I have plenty of time to write in my journal, I have nothing to write about.

I wish I had a more detailed record of Dave's severe depression, but while it was going on I felt consistently burdened, alone, and sometimes irritated.  I didn't have as much down time, and I wanted to really rest when I did.  When David was feeling up, I wanted to make the most of that time, too. 

But now David is feeling so much better, feels hopeful and has motivation.  Everything is going smoothly around our apartment, and as of today I literally have nothing on my to-do list (classes are a month and a half away and I've already bought all but one of my textbooks). 

Onward, ever onward

6/21/11

A lot has happened, but I'm too tired to write about it so I'm just going to make a list.

-Dave and I continue to go to therapy & the psychiatrist to try to manage Dave's depression.  There have been ups and downs (notably Dave was out of medication for a few days and was too embarrassed to tell me and too amotivationl to get more: those were a relatively low few days but things have picked up since), but overall he's been doing much better, and we've had some times when we've been very happy.  I'm struggling with a few things, but maybe I'll come back to that. 

-We got really worried about finances for a little while.  We thought we'd run out of money soon.  But then 1) We got Christmas money from Grandma!, 2) Dave's parents told us about how much was in his education fund, 3) Dave got a grant, and 4) I got a scholarship! (Woo-hoo!) and now we're doing fine!

Therapy Update

5/19/11

I really want to document Dave and I's journey through therapy and learning how to manage his depression.  In therapy on Wednesday, I realized that even though it has been a really slow process, we are starting to have some good skills in place.  Dave is learning that when thoughts of self-hatred come up, he needs to re-direct them or it will deepen/lengthen his depression.  We have a sticker chart for exercise, now, so we both exercise regularly, and we have a date night so we have some time set aside just with each other.  I am learning how to be directive without nagging - at the beginning of the week we check in with each other on what we hope to do that week.  Then if I have an idea that I think could help Dave, during the week, I tell him.  Last week I suggested that it could be a good idea to go hang out with friends, since sometimes that helps pick him up (Dave has been having a really hard time believing that people like him).  He didn't do it, but I was able to suggest something positive without nagging.

At the beginning of our therapy, I really wanted to clarify my expectations of Dave.  I felt like I had unrealistic and even contradictory expectations.  I feel much more comfortable now, because I know exactly what my expectations are.  If they are not met - that's fine, that happens.  But I feel happy knowing exactly what my expectations are, and feeling like they're reasonable. 

On Ambien

4/16/11

A common side effect of depression is insomnia, and Dave has really not been sleeping well lately.  A few days ago, Dave took his first dose of ambien.  He didn't realize you should take it right before bed, and didn't tell me he had taken it until 20 minutes later, when he was commenting on how he couldn't get his eyes to focus.  He then couldn't walk straight, and so I helped him to bed and had to prompt him at each step of getting ready.  He was HILARIOUS to listen to.  I wrote down some of the things he said:

-In my more sane moments, I know it's just you and the house full of cleansed iced tea.

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so, ahahahahaha....  no, I couldn't have been seeing that in the background because my eyes are closed.

-I'm kinda loopy, like the state fair thing...  what was I saying?

-It's hard to tell, you know?  Because the thoughts in your head that are normal...  aren't necessarily...  if you let them run ahead and get mixed up!

The basics

4/2/11

In my therapy session yesterday, Joe pointed out that through Dave's journey with worsening depression and church questions over the past 9 months, I have really been reduced to the basics, and I am now more confident in my only foundational beliefs than I otherwise could have been.  I know

-That I believe in the LDS church

-That I love Dave, need him for me to be happy, and chose to have him in my life

-That I want to alleviate suffering

-That I want others to be happy, whatever that requires for them

Questioning self

3/15/11

I wish I didn't have to write this question:  Why am I unhappy when Dave is happy?

Right now, Dave is laughing cheerfullly and with abandon while he plays football on the PS2 with Tim.  Right now I am smiling, so happy that Dave feels happy for a few minutes (just this afternoon he was feeling worthless because he is so behind in school and has no motivation to catch up).  But when he first started laughing, I felt bitter.  And I'm not sure why I think that I feel like Dave should be happy on my time table, that if he can be happy playing PS2 he should be happy with me.  I think maybe I feel like I should be able to make him happy. 

I'm happy Dave is happy.  

Shifting Foundations

3/14/11

Right now, I am thinking about how something is amiss in my life.  I feel like I'm walking in a dream, not really present.  I think of things I want to change in my life, but I feel no motivation to change them.  The last time that I felt this way (just a few months ago), Dave pointed out that it was because my religious foundations were shifting.  It's hard to feel connected in your life or motivated to make changes when your anchors are shifting and you don't know where they will finally stay. 

Now I think my foundations are shifting again, but in a different area.  Now I am trying to come to terms with the severity of Dave's depression.  I feel like I have a new role - wife of a husband with depression - that is completely seperate from the "wife" role.  I'm coming to terms with the idea that based on his depression, Dave may not be a consistent provider, may not always have energy to help around the house, may not be able to plan things for me.  And even with the depression, I without hesitation chose Dave as my spouse for life.  But his depression affects us both, and I'm just coming to terms with the impact it will have on me. 

I'm starting to gain some confidence in my role as wife-of-a-husband-with-depression.  Here are some things working well so far:

-Don't try to do everything for Dave.  Decide together what each will do, then leave it to Dave to do his part.

-Dress up for Dave.  I've been putting 20 minutes into my appearance, instead of 10, partly to look good for him.  It helps me maintain our courtship.

-Don't show affection robottically.  When I start to kiss Dave or hold his hand or something, I try to be present and really thing about what I'm doing and enjoy it.  That also helps courtship, reminds me of my love, and makes me happy. 

-Go to Dave's appointments when possible.  This reminds me that we're managing his depression together, and helps me feel a part of things.

On an entirely unrelated note, I have been having a BLAST with Dave's brothers, Tim and Wayne, being in town.  

Vacations

2/19/11

I am so happy.

I loved just talking with Grandma this weekend, and being with Dave and really talking with him.  I loved it.

I am so happy.  Maybe we should go on vacation more often.

Burdens & Bread

2/15/11

Then today I was felling burdened by how Dave seldom helps with anything any more.  I felt like I wanted a little escape, something I could do that would be totally separate from him and just liberate me for a while.  And my friend Phoxay invited me over for some bread.  It was just what I needed, and I was so grateful.  I was also grateful to recognize that it was what I needed. 

The worst times

On January 31st, I expressed a great deal of frustration.  I don't remember what it was about, but I asked David if I could spend the night at a hotel so that I could have some time to think.  I stressed to him that I didn't want to leave or be away from him, I just felt like it would help me think.  I cried as I left.  Dave was upset that I was upset, but otherwise seemed fine.

The next day I left the hotel and went straight to work.  I got a phone call from Dave saying, "Can you pick up my medications from the pharmacy on your way home?  I've had a...  weird... day."  I seem to recall calling him, and him saying that things had been weird, but that he was okay.  I picked up medications on the way home.

When I got home, Dave was sitting on a couch staring at the wall.  He told me that he had hit himself with wires and cut his arms.  I think he had burned himself as well.  He said he had run a bath and thought about getting in and drowning.  He seemed off but mostly okay by the time I got home, and kept saying that he had felt "weird" and couldn't bring himself to call anyone or talk to anyone, at least in the morning.

It was a little while after I started talking with Dave before I felt comfortable leaving him and going to the bathroom.  I felt kind of horrified to see that the bath was still drawn.  Somehow that made it all real, and real for me.  I let out the water.  I have an image in my head of me lifting the drain lever and watching the water go down the drain before I turned away.  I don't think that image will leave me anytime soon.

I wish I knew how I felt that day, but I didn't journal for two weeks afterwards and I can't remember any vivid feelings.  I know I was frantic to figure out what to do.  We called BYU's on-call therapist who was utterly unhelpful.  (I knew more about the resources for depression in the area than he did, etc. etc.).  I talked with our psychiatric nurse the next day, to make sure I was doing everything possible, everything advisable.  I checked in with my psychology advisor.  What followed was an intake interview & following assignment to an individual counselor for Dave, along with a pretty immediate psychiatry appointment and ongoing follow up.



This is a turning point for Dave and me, a bookmark for both of us about when things got really bad.  Even though Dave did not try anything that day, and even though he didn't even begin to carry out any plans from that day on, his depression remained severe and constantly present.  A few weeks later, Dave withdrew from half his classes to try to make his stress and workload more manageable.  I don't remember ever seeing Dave happy during this time.

Dave's birthday

12/22/10

We had an absolutely fantastic TRON party for Dave’s birthday.  Almost all of our friends came, and we had a blast.  They gave Dave some really thoughtful gifts.  I think Dave really liked mine as well, and the telescope turned out to be just perfect for what he wanted. 

And today I had just a blissful day.  I worked until 3 and it all went smoothly, and then I came home and finished the last of my Christmas cards & little gifts.  Now I am all set for Christmas!  It was wonderful just to work on those projects while I watched a movie with Dave.  I also accidentally saw a receipt for several of my presents.  A year ago that would have bothered me, because I would’ve wanted it to be a surprise, but this year I just was impressed by how thoughtful Dave was in his selections.  I am so blessed to have him.  I never could’ve imagined how happy I would be with him.

Grateful for everything

12/14/2010

Today I enjoyed working at my job, and it went incredibly smoothly.  We bought taco bell on the way home, and I came home to a house that Dave had completely cleaned.  He also told me he had gone Christmas shopping for me.  I felt appreciated and taken care of.  We watched the Princess Bride while I worked on a singing time activity for nursery, and then I worked on the presents for my girls at work.  I am grateful that our primary program went well on Sunday.  I am grateful for everything!

Gratitude

12/7/10

Wow, I had no idea that it had been so long since I last journaled.  I’ve been feeling prompted lately, like I need to keep a record of the things I am grateful for.  I think it might change my attitude a little bit, and maybe make me more aware of what I want to choose to work on. 

Today I incredibly happy because David and I bought a Christmas tree last night – a real tree.  It is tiny (3 ½ feet), in order to fit into our apartment and our budget, but it is real and it fills our apartment with the smell of pine and Christmas.  We have our presents under it.  Every time I think of it, I smile to myself and feel like telling someone.  I am so happy to have our own Christmas tree.

I am also happy that I have a job that I continue to love, that I feel like I am doing well at.  I have all the possessions I could possibly want.  I have a husband who adores me.  I love to be with him, doing just about anything.  I am incredibly blessed.

Wonderful

9/22/10

I am still pondering what to do with my free time.  I know that later in life I will fervently wish that I had more free time to learn how to do things, and I wish I could peek ahead so that I could learn how to do those things now.  Ah, well!  I will have to be happy doing the things that make me happy now.  I’ve started writing my autobiography, and I am happy to be doing that.  I wonder if anyone will ever read it (it’s not going to be very long, a few pages at this point, probably).  I certainly don’t expect anyone to ever read this!  Not that I’d mind if they did. 

My love is a wonderful love.  I am so glad that his depression has eased.  I am so glad that we get to be together.

Beginning disappointment

9/19/10


Dave has remained depressed, although not quite so bad as last week.  We were able to get a new, higher dose of a medication for him, which we hope will help.  If not, at least we are at the hopeful stage of the journey, and there are lots of other options we could try.


I myself have been really, really labile – within the same day I can be really happy and then later really miserable, with little or no provocation.  I have never felt like this before.  I am in a major life transition, from school to work, as well as from performance-based self-esteem to not, and I wonder if this has anything to do with it.  Regardless, it isn’t enjoyable. It could also be how much free time I suddenly have (I guess that goes with the transition).  I am still figuring out what hobbies I want to have, what I want to be involved in in my free time.  I’m learning to sew right now, and I’m starting to do yoga periodicially, but I feel like I’m still figuring out who I want to be and what I want to do.  It feels like a blank slate in a lot of ways. 


I had been feeling just a little…  disappointed, I guess, that Dave doesn’t surprise me often anymore.  When he’s depressed I know that he has less energy for anything, including writing me notes or getting me flowers or making me breakfast, or any of those wonderful things he has done for me so often in the past.  I try to be understanding of that, but I have also felt just a little lonely, somehow, the past few days.  So today when I woke up and saw a letter to me on the table, I was so grateful.  It was a wonderful letter, where Dave told me about how he still loved me just as much as he had when we were teenagers and even more, how I amazed him.  I loved the letter, but even more I loved that he had written it and surprised me with it.  That was a blessing for me.

The mood lightens

9/12/10

Today was a wonderful day.  David made me breakfast in bed, and then drove me to work.  After I was done, we came home and watched the broadcast, then watched a movie together.  I just enjoyed being with him and cuddling with him.  He seemed happier today, and we just enjoyed being together.  I love him, and I am so happy to have evenings like tonight.

First entry on worsening depression

9/11/10  
David is more depressed than he ever has been before.  When I told him that I was just starting to realize how deep his depression is, he said, “You and me both.”  He’s been pretty suicidal for the past two weeks, and is starting to lose energy.  He already had little to no interest in anything. 

            
For most of today, I was more scared and worried than I have been in a long time.  For the first time I realized that Dave’s serious doubts about our church put us on two different life paths – I had liked that we were so unified in our life plans, and it actually made me have a tear to think about that.  Still, I support him in doing whatever he needs to be happy.  But that adds a great deal of uncertainty into our lives, my life – between that and his depression being so severe he might have to drop his classes, I started wondering what will happen to us.  I feel that I am further from God than I have been in a long time, and so I did not even have my faith in His help to fall back on.  I felt quite hopeless and lost for part of the day.  But I promised God while I was at the temple today that I would be willing to do anything if we could have his help, especially in doing what is best for Dave (because I feel like I have NO IDEA what I am doing).  And so when I got to stake conference, instead of goofing off or writing down ideas like I’ve been doing lately, I listened to what they were saying.  Some of the talks were on hope, and I felt like I am more hopeless than I have ever been before in my life, and it made me sad.  But for a brief moment, I had that feeling that everything would be all right.  I have faith in that.  Between me, Dave, and God, we can work it out.  Everything will be all right.  Dave and I went out to dinner with one of our gift cards, and Dave let me talk about our future and some of the questions I had, and I feel a little more secure now.  We have some ideas for how we might be able to alleviate his depression, and I know that whatever happens, we will find a way to pull through and continue to have a strong family and the potential for joy in our lives.