Is that possible?
I feel angry that Dave can't be happy. I feel a little angry at him, very angry for him, and very angry for me.
I have blogged before (see this post) about how the hardest part of Dave's depression for me is that I can't make him happy. I think I've made some slight changes since that time, and I would be excited if Dave could just be happy, even if I wasn't the cause.
But today we talked (at my insistence) about whether or not he should continue school. Dave always becomes very frustrated and depressed when we talk about the future. Today Dave told me it's because the future seems extremely bleak. If he makes a decision and, once again, things don't get better, that would be devastating. Dave really doesn't seem to expect to be happy in the future. And so he is really reluctant to try any of the things that could possibly (even if only remotely possibly) make him happier.
So at the end of our conversation today, I felt like I had to accept the possibility that Dave will never be happy.
I hate that for two reasons. First, I hate that I have to give up what seems like the one thing I want - for Dave to be happy. Second, if Dave will never be happy, it seems like a lot to ask for him to continue to live.
So that's why I'm angry.
But just when I was feeling so upset, Dave and I made a joke. And then I felt happy. It felt good to be sitting with him and to be happy, for a moment, together.
And I am pretty sure I can be happy with that. With moments of happiness, for both of us.
So at the end of the conversation, I felt hopeful. I can be very happy with a life full of moments like this.
Jaime...I wonder if you have any idea how valuable this blog is. Things like this, what you just expressed...I NEVER could have grasped these ideas without you expressing them so well and so honestly. If you're opening my eyes and teaching me so much, just imagine what you can do for others who are desperately searching for this information. I'm so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog, including your evocative pics! I agree with Christina about the incredible value of your perspective. Other reactions…
ReplyDelete1. I hope you and Dave keep hoping as the dominant response! Perpetual happiness is unrealistic for anybody, but periodic and sufficient happiness is realistic.
2. There's more to life than happiness, and thinking that life is pointless without lots of it has gotten me in trouble. Meaning, relationships, engagement, contribution, etc. can provide bridges between happy moments and help create more.
3. I suspect anger is normal and common for the spouse. Mom hasn't expressed anger, per se, over my depression, but lots of stress and discouragement. I've certainly thought she SHOULD be angry, and I've certainly felt plenty of guilt and shame in the past about imposing the burden of my long-term depression.
4. (*sarcastic font*) Anger is from Satan and a sign of sin, so you should feel deeply ashamed for reacting this way. You can choose your emotions, and you have chosen poorly. Repent! (*regular font* Hah! I read an Ensign article with a message like this and wanted to barf.)
5. I have resented Mom at times for keeping me alive during deep depression. The flawed logic goes, "I'm being tortured, and it's being prolonged solely for your sake. My misery is a higher cost than the tiny marginal benefit I bring to you, particularly since my situation also creates pain for you. If you love me -- OR if you can do the cost and benefit math -- then let me go." It was spooky to be on the receiving end last Sunday when Chelsey, in one of her recent suicidal rants, said almost the exact same thing to me and Mom! I wondered if she had somehow learned such thinking from me, or if it was some cosmic sensei giving me a payback/lesson through Chelsey.
Thanks for this comment! I love each point on this bulleted list. I particularly liked the ensign article reference and the idea of "bridges between happy moments."
DeleteI would love to hear more about why you think the logic in #5 is flawed, and what your reaction was to Chelsey, if you'd be willing to talk about it here or by phone.
I love your dad's point that perpetual happiness is unrealistic for anybody. And I loved the end of your blog when Dave made a joke and you were both happy for a moment. I'm sure it's hard sometimes to remember those moments when they are so short and fleeting, but they are proof that you don't need to give up hope of Dave being happy, if only for a short moment. I hope you continue to be treated to many more moments like that, and in the meantime, your dad also makes a great point that there is more to life than happiness. It's certainly not the way we are often trained to think, but I think he's right. I love you guys and am grateful to learn from your wisdom.
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