Forever

Today Dave said, "I was wondering today what the chances are that I will die by suicide.  Even though it's not something that I am considering right now, even though I can promise you right now that I won't, I don't know who I will be in 10 years.  I don't think it's super likely that I will die by suicide, but given my history and how suicidal I have been, I'd say it's more likely for me than for the average person."

Two things about that are a little jarring for me.  

First, that suicide will always be a threat in our relationship.  Even when it's not a threat, it's still a threat.  (I don't mean a threat from David to me, but rather, something we're both afraid could happen).

Second, that Dave phrased it so passively.  "Die by suicide" sounds like something that happens to you, rather than something you do.  I know that there is some literature out there that emphasizes that viewpoint (that suicide becomes the only option, and is not a destructive choice per se), but I had never heard Dave use that viewpoint.  It kind of forced me to enter a viewpoint where it isn't a choice, but is something that happens to you.  I didn't like that.  That scared me.