How things are different

Unfortunately, Dave's hope and happiness of early January only lasted a little while.  He now feels low fairly often, and has some worries about his schoolwork.

But things are still so, so much better than they were a year ago, or even a few months ago.  

There are two huge differences:

• Dave's mood never dips really low.  Yesterday, he didn't answer his phone all day, and I was shocked to realize that it never occurred to me that he might be in danger of suicide.  His depression just doesn't become that severe.  His mood dips down fairly frequently - I'd guess 3 days out of 5 he feels low.  But when his depression used to be constant, unending, this seems like a very welcome change.
• Dave can still do things, can still focus on things outside of his depression.  Even if he has some concerns about his schoolwork, he can still do some every day.  He still helps out around the house, and smiles as he does it.  I had a few hard days this week (I made some mistakes in an assignment, and then had to type them all up and present them to my peers.  Painful.), and even though Dave was feeling a little overwhelmed himself, he took a break to buy me flowers and make me dinner.  I can't help but feel so, so happy. 

So maybe Dave isn't happy all the time, but things still feel so much better.  They feel comfortable and hopeful to me.  I feel so happy to see Dave smile more often, to slow dance with him in our living room.  Right now, I have a life with my husband that is happy, engaging, uplifting and full of joy.  I couldn't picture myself happier. I feel so happy.

(Naturally I mean that I couldn't picture myself happier in my marriage.  If I magically became really talented in my schoolwork, I would definitely be happier with my life overall).