After my last post, Cam asked what I had done to adjust to life as a wife, rather than a wife of someone with depression.
I reflected on that question for a long time.
Because in reality, I haven't found new ways to adjust. I just went back to doing all the things that had worked before. I bought Dave treats and left them for him in the car. I left him notes. I told him I loved him, and I told him how grateful I was for him.
But it didn't really seem like Dave needed any of those things. I guess I wanted to show him my love and support in ways that he needed.
After about two weeks of trying to adjust, I started thinking about what made it difficult. I think I realized that Dave was stable, but not happy. For the first few weeks in January, Dave had hope and even felt happy relatively frequently (I'd say about once a day). But after another two weeks, he didn't have deep lows in his depression, but he also didn't feel happy very often. It is really difficult to serve someone who doesn't need your help not to feel depressed, but who cannot feel happy. I asked him if there was anything I could do that he would enjoy, and I made a list of things he had enjoyed when we were first married. He said that all of them were fine, but none would be particularly enjoyable or helpful.
So while I know that Dave loves me and needs me, I still feel rather helpless to demonstrate that love.
Hey Love,
ReplyDeleteI had a couple thoughts that may or may not be helpful. One is that while Dave may not be able to tell you that something you do is particularly enjoyable or helpful, I do think he'd notice the absence were you to stop trying. At least for me, I know when I feel like nothing matters or changes things, the loss of something that brightens my soul for even a second, is felt. And I know that I can be almost scared to say something sounds good or makes me happy. Though that sounds odd.
The other thought was that even when I'm unhappy or hurting, I do want to be making good memories. I don't want to look back on my life and see only empty days, even if I couldn't enjoy the activity as much as I might in that current emotional state. I hate remembering days when I couldn't do much. Maybe Dave feels similarly. (Maybe not, of course) But that might mean what you do now could have a positive influence later, when he's able to reflect.
All that being said, You darlin, are doing better than you think you are. Love you