Last week, my husband showed me something he had written. It included this thought: "I promised my wife I wouldn't kill myself. I'm keeping my promise to my wife for now, but I wonder if I'll always be able to do it. If things get worse, how can I stand it?"
Is it odd that this was reassuring to me? Dave has promised me several times in the past that he would never kill himself. But when his depression gets serious, it seems like he can't possibly commit to that completely and indefinitely. If Dave can tell me that he is unsure, it makes me feel like he is serious about the commitment.
So we altered the promise. He won't kill himself before new year's. I can feel completely comfortable that Dave is really committed to that, and even mostly comfortable that he will tell me if he isn't committed to it. And since I'm really not living much in the future, the thought of what might happen after new years doesn't really scare me. I can take that when it comes.
To be honest, this made me feel sick to my stomach. Thanks for your blog, Jaime, which gives us a glimpse of an idea of what it's like.
ReplyDeleteI remember living on the installment plan like that, making discrete time commitments to Beth. I couldn't commit indefinitely, but I could do it for 6-12 months at a time and take it seriously. I know it helped me, and your mom tells me it made her feel a lot better.
ReplyDeleteA Sunday walk around Basset Creek park became my metaphor for that time. After once around, your mom wanted to go again, but I was done. She loved it, but I was just doing it to be with her. I blurted out that the first time around was like the last year that I promised to stay alive, and I didn't want to just go around in circles indefinitely. We walked around the park many times in the days and weeks after that -- and I eventually enjoyed it -- but I couldn't commit all at once.
I was doing the best I could at the time, selfish and cruel though that may seem now in retrospect. I feel terrible now for what I've put your mom through, and extremely grateful for her remarkable patience and love. You are amazing, and I feel for you and Dave.