I was in the middle of writing a post about how I feel overwhelmed when Dave can't pursue any responsibilities for us, when he came into the room looking depressed.
I asked him what he was thinking about.
He said he thought we should separate. He said that he and I both knew he was a deadbeat, and that he has a hard time convincing either of us that there is hope for him ever getting better. He said that sometimes he can convince me, and sometimes he can convince himself, but very rarely can he do both at the same time. He thought that maybe if he had some time away from me, he could "figure himself out" and come back.
And immediately, all of my previous worries seemed so inconsequential.
It seemed so sad to me, that my expectations put pressure on him, that he knew I was constantly watchful, constantly hoping he would get better, constantly disappointed when he wasn't able to go to classes. I couldn't believe that I had done that to him.
And even though I would do anything to make him happy, would happily separate from him if it seemed like that would be helpful, I really, really, really don't want to be without him. That's the most important thing to me - to be able to be with him. And so all of my worries and expectations seemed so paltry in comparison, that I almost couldn't believe it.
I went into the front room and sobbed. The moment was so painful I almost couldn't stand it. I thought about all of our dates when we were teenagers, about how much I loved him while we walked around River Falls, how much I hoped he felt something for me.
This is not the future I pictured for us.
But he is still the man I fell in love with, and I would still choose this future with him over one with anybody else. (Sorry, other men of the world. You're out of luck).
Can someone please tell me how to get rid of my expectations? How to be truly accepting of Dave, no matter what happens, no matter what he does? I don't know how to do it, but I desperately want to. Need to.
There's a beautiful song by Erin McCarley called "Love, save the empty." Even though I think it's beautiful, I always got confused by the title words. Did that mean love should fill emptiness? That love should save people who were empty, and fill them? I think the song intends the later meaning, but it has a new, particular meaning for me.
Maybe if I can empty myself of expectations, love can save me.
(Disclaimer: Dave and I are not currently separating, even temporarily. We had an appointment with his psychiatrist today, and he is going on a more aggressive medication. Dave wants to give it a chance to work before we try anything else. We feel hopeful. And in fact, I feel at peace, knowing how much I love Dave, and that I'll do anything to try to help him).
Jaime, I just want you to know that my heart breaks for you while I read this. I am sure that Dave proposed that option as a recourse to you and not because he wanted it. He loves you so much. I can only imagine, though, how much that hurt. I love you both and Matt and I are praying for you. I hope the new meds help.
ReplyDeleteI read this post over and over again, trying to decide how to respond. Are there words strong enough to let Dave know that even through the struggles, he is enriching your life everyday? Is he? Even if the perfect words existed, is he capable of believing it right now?
ReplyDeleteExpectation and hope are closely related. Dave probably has a hard time with both. If neither of you expect him to get better (or at least have better times occasionally) you may be tempted to stop trying. (For years I saw doctor after doctor, and with each visit and each new medication, I became more convinced that things would never change.)
I believe you ARE truly accepting of Dave. Your love for him is among the strongest loves I've ever seen. Hoping for improvement, being discouraged when he's down, and the extra work you put in to ensure your needs (and his) are met are all symptoms of your love and acceptance. As for your expectations -- hang onto them, but make sure you are prepared for the disappointments.
I am afraid that due to your belief in eternal marriage, you are trying to decide too much at once. You should think about setting short term expectations. Will you want to stay together for the next year even if things don't get better? Would the extra stress be a fair tradeoff for the love and companionship you receive for that long? Six months? Five years? You don't need to decide right now if you can do this for the rest of your life. Just like Dave can't decide right now if he can handle another fifty years like the last one. You might consider sitting down together and discussing it in shorter term commitments. This doesn't mean you don't want to last forever, but it may be much easier to discuss it with short term commitments, and may also increase the trust he has that he's good for you.
I love you both tons, and wish I knew how to help. Mostly you should both know you are very important to me.
Kayt - it means so much to me that you would think so long and hard about how to respond. I always know that we matter to you, and that means a great deal to me.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the advice about short term expectations. I don't think my belief in eternal marriage impacts us much, because I don't think much about what will happen after this life, but it's always possible. I know that I want to be with Dave for the rest of my life, regardless of what happens with his depression - whether it improves, stays the same, or gets better. But I think the suggestion is still important, and I thank you for it.
Cam - I have really been grateful to know that you were reading my blog, even before you commented. It makes me feel cared for and less alone just to know that people are reading. Thank you for your comments, for letting me know directly that you care. That was really, really meaningful for me to read today. Thank you!
Katy - I've been thinking more and more about your comment over break. I am grateful that you think and that you told me that I am truly accepting of Dave. I think that everything you said about expectations and hope and enrichment were spot on. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteUggh. My heart's breaking for you as I read this. I'm mostly sad for you and Dave, and I can empathize with the feelings of incredible hopelessness and damaged self-worth lurking behind the scenes. Mom and I have had similar discussions; they were among the most heart-achey, sob-full interactions of my life. I'm so sorry for the pain both you and Dave have felt.
ReplyDeleteMixed in with my feelings while reading was also some self-absorbed shame for being blind, unsupportive and even unaware of this until now, 9 days late after multiple breezy, clueless interactions with you since you made this post. You cover well, and I'm insensitive, thinking about my own burdens. I want to do more for you. I want to be better, and I want you both to feel how deeply loved you are.