We had a rough patch a few weeks ago. Dave had a few really down days, and I guess I had been waiting for a winter downturn and assumed this was it. Since Dave got really depressed and stayed really depressed all winter last year, I assumed it would happen again.
When we talked about my expectations in therapy last week, Dave said he didn't expect to stay depressed again this winter. He thinks there will be ups and downs. That is exciting to me, particularly since it has been true so far this winter - even after the rough patch a few weeks ago, his mood pulled up and stayed up for a few days.
So why was I initially so hopeless? Our therapist thinks it might be self-protecting, that I'm trying to be prepared for the worst.
Sometimes I wonder if it is because it is draining to have hope. It makes me tired, sometimes. I don't know why.
I think having no hope would ultimately be more draining. Hope is a fuel that can certainly feel like it's been spent in rougher patches, but choosing not to have it is like trying to start a car with no gas. It's not going to go anywhere without it.
ReplyDeleteThe two explanations are related, I think...it might be draining to muster hope because it's so often disappointed. So, it is self-protecting. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteIn any case, it's wonderful that he seems to be exceeding the expectation you had. :)
I think this is wonderful that he is showing hope about ups and downs. It is very hard to remember the ups when you are in pain. "Hope" is the very thing that disappears with depression. I suspect you feel like you have to have enough hope for the two of you. Perhaps you do. I can understand how that would be very draining.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely understand when you say hope is draining. It is. It requires constant re-framing of every challenging situation.
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