In stride

It's kind of crazy how much you can take in stride.  A couple of days ago, Dave said, "You'd better take the car today.  I won't drive to buy a canister of (lethal) gas if I don't have the car."

And I can say, "Okay, I'll take the car.  Are you thinking seriously about suicide, or is it an idle thought?" And when it's idle, I can go on about my day.

It's kind of crazy.

How things are different

Unfortunately, Dave's hope and happiness of early January only lasted a little while.  He now feels low fairly often, and has some worries about his schoolwork.

But things are still so, so much better than they were a year ago, or even a few months ago.  

There are two huge differences:

• Dave's mood never dips really low.  Yesterday, he didn't answer his phone all day, and I was shocked to realize that it never occurred to me that he might be in danger of suicide.  His depression just doesn't become that severe.  His mood dips down fairly frequently - I'd guess 3 days out of 5 he feels low.  But when his depression used to be constant, unending, this seems like a very welcome change.
• Dave can still do things, can still focus on things outside of his depression.  Even if he has some concerns about his schoolwork, he can still do some every day.  He still helps out around the house, and smiles as he does it.  I had a few hard days this week (I made some mistakes in an assignment, and then had to type them all up and present them to my peers.  Painful.), and even though Dave was feeling a little overwhelmed himself, he took a break to buy me flowers and make me dinner.  I can't help but feel so, so happy. 

So maybe Dave isn't happy all the time, but things still feel so much better.  They feel comfortable and hopeful to me.  I feel so happy to see Dave smile more often, to slow dance with him in our living room.  Right now, I have a life with my husband that is happy, engaging, uplifting and full of joy.  I couldn't picture myself happier. I feel so happy.

(Naturally I mean that I couldn't picture myself happier in my marriage.  If I magically became really talented in my schoolwork, I would definitely be happier with my life overall).  

Side effects

Fact #1:  None of you (especially my parents, who occasionally read this) need to know about my sex life
Fact #2:  Someone out there needs to talk about the impact of depression medication side effects.

During the first several months of our marriage, Dave wanted sex far more often than I did, and I know I left him feeling guilty and unwanted sometimes.  I felt sad about that, but it felt like it would just take so much work.

Now I'm grateful for that experience.  Somehow, it makes it easier now that the roles are reversed (and exaggerated).

It is a very lonely thing to not be able to make your husband want you.  No matter what you do.  Even though I know Dave loves me, even though I know that he thinks I'm beautiful, it is still lonely and painful to be unwanted in that way.  The side effect ebbs and wanes, but it is sad and lonely when it's here.

Adjusting

After my last post, Cam asked what I had done to adjust to life as a wife, rather than a wife of someone with depression.

I reflected on that question for a long time.
Because in reality, I haven't found new ways to adjust.  I just went back to doing all the things that had worked before.  I bought Dave treats and left them for him in the car.  I left him notes.  I told him I loved him, and I told him how grateful I was for him.

But it didn't really seem like Dave needed any of those things.  I guess I wanted to show him my love and support in ways that he needed.

After about two weeks of trying to adjust, I started thinking about what made it difficult.  I think I realized that Dave was stable, but not happy.  For the first few weeks in January, Dave had hope and even felt happy relatively frequently (I'd say about once a day).  But after another two weeks, he didn't have deep lows in his depression, but he also didn't feel happy very often.  It is really difficult to serve someone who doesn't need your help not to feel depressed, but who cannot feel happy.  I asked him if there was anything I could do that he would enjoy, and I made a list of things he had enjoyed when we were first married.  He said that all of them were fine, but none would be particularly enjoyable or helpful.

So while I know that Dave loves me and needs me, I still feel rather helpless to demonstrate that love.