Liberating

Dave's suggestion that we separate was an eye opener for me.

I had been feeling a bit of pressure and burden surrounding chores - feeling like they had to get done, and I was very alone in working towards that goal.  But the moment Dave made that suggestion, all of that frustration went away.  There were two reasons for that: first, it seemed inconsequential in comparison to the alternative, and second, for the first time I realized that 85% of the work I do, I would have to do even if I were living alone.

So I decided to be "expectation free," at least until new year's.  Since I love being with Dave more than anything else, and since I would have to do most of the work anyway if I were alone, I realized there is no reason for me to get my knickers in a twist over whether or not he went to class.

This is one of the most liberating things I have ever done.  I don't say that lightly - it's got to be in the top 5 most liberating decisions I've made in my life.

To be clear, I don't usually explicitly state my expectations.  I try hard not to nag Dave, so it's really rare that I actually say, "I think you should go to class."  But I think it, and Dave can always tell.  So I stopped thinking it or caring about it.  It made my relationship with Dave much, much smoother, because I felt more accepting of him and more comfortable being with him (no expectations to conceal).  But astonishingly, it also made me feel much better about myself.

Before, I had seen all our obligations as a gigantic list of things to do.  I imagined that all of these things needed to get done, and with strict time limits.  I had expectations in the back of my mind that Dave would help me, and when he didn't, I felt even more burdened and alone.

When I stopped having expectations of Dave, somehow it gave me freedom to stop having those expectations of myself.  I stopped seeing our chores as a list of things that had to be done every week, or I was a bad person.  I did things when I wanted to, and because I wanted to.  Meals still got made, just less often.  The bathroom still got cleaned before company came, just with a little less time to spare.  And I felt so much happier, so much lighter, so much better.

There is a confounding variable to my feelings of liberation and happiness, because David started doing better at around this time.  But he and I agree that that's partly because I got rid of my expectations.

Everybody wins!