Depression is often accompanied by anger. Sometimes this is anger with yourself, sometimes it is extreme irritability with everyone around you, sometimes it is name-calling, sometimes it is physical aggression. I know of a lot of women who have to live with spurts of derogatory comments and insults, if not something worse.
I feel constantly grateful that that isn't part of my life. Maybe (although I really, really doubt it) that will change some day, but I am so grateful that no matter else what happens in my life, I feel loved every day.
Monday, December 26, 2011
What I was looking for in a blog
When Dave first started really struggling with depression, I scoured the web for blogs about the spouse's experience, and particularly the wife's experience.
What I found were lots of lists of how to help your spouse. That isn't what I was looking for.
I know that is what some people are looking for, and I did want to know if I was missing anything really important. But one list is enough to identify the major steps ("help them seek psychiatric and therapeutic treatment", "recognize that it is a true and often genetic problem", and "don't tell them platitudes" are usually the top 3, followed by tips about exercise, eating, and sleep), and given that I'd worked for a year at a psychiatric hospital, I really doubted I was missing any universal to-dos.
What I really wanted was a blog that said, "This is hard for me. This is my life as I am living it, and it's what I want and what I chose to do, but this is hard for me". I just wanted my pain to be acknowledged, validated, and sympathized with.
I have now identified a few blogs that do just that (they're all listed under "interests" in my profile). But my writing this blog gives me exactly what I was looking for - I acknowledge my pain (and my joys!) here, and I am grateful for the validation and support I receive, both on this blog and in person. Thank you.
What I found were lots of lists of how to help your spouse. That isn't what I was looking for.
I know that is what some people are looking for, and I did want to know if I was missing anything really important. But one list is enough to identify the major steps ("help them seek psychiatric and therapeutic treatment", "recognize that it is a true and often genetic problem", and "don't tell them platitudes" are usually the top 3, followed by tips about exercise, eating, and sleep), and given that I'd worked for a year at a psychiatric hospital, I really doubted I was missing any universal to-dos.
What I really wanted was a blog that said, "This is hard for me. This is my life as I am living it, and it's what I want and what I chose to do, but this is hard for me". I just wanted my pain to be acknowledged, validated, and sympathized with.
I have now identified a few blogs that do just that (they're all listed under "interests" in my profile). But my writing this blog gives me exactly what I was looking for - I acknowledge my pain (and my joys!) here, and I am grateful for the validation and support I receive, both on this blog and in person. Thank you.
The hardest part
In school, I've been learning about the different stages of love. When you're infatuated with someone, every time you are with them or think of them you have a rush of dopamine and a greatly increased heart rate. You have a hard time thinking of anything else.
When Dave and I were dating, I always felt like if only I could be there with him (we dated long distance for years), then I could help him with all of his problems. And at the time, that was true - as long as I was there, he wasn't thinking about his problems. He was thinking about me. To me, that feels really powerful. To be able to take away all of someone's problems, even if it is only for a few minutes, is pretty awe-inspiring.
But though love lasts forever, infatuation can't. Physically, I don't think our bodies could take it, so it fades in and out. Now, I can't fix things just by being with Dave.
Not being able to fix everything, not being able to make the problems go away - that just might be the hardest part of this whole situation. It's definitely in the top 4. It makes me feel helpless, and irritated, which certainly doesn't help things.
You might even forget you're precariously balanced hundreds of feet above the ground!
When Dave and I were dating, I always felt like if only I could be there with him (we dated long distance for years), then I could help him with all of his problems. And at the time, that was true - as long as I was there, he wasn't thinking about his problems. He was thinking about me. To me, that feels really powerful. To be able to take away all of someone's problems, even if it is only for a few minutes, is pretty awe-inspiring.
But though love lasts forever, infatuation can't. Physically, I don't think our bodies could take it, so it fades in and out. Now, I can't fix things just by being with Dave.
Not being able to fix everything, not being able to make the problems go away - that just might be the hardest part of this whole situation. It's definitely in the top 4. It makes me feel helpless, and irritated, which certainly doesn't help things.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Celebrating
On Thursday, Dave and I had our last therapy session of the year. We debated about whether or not we should go. We were doing so well, we didn't have anything to talk about.
I am really glad that we went. Our therapist reviewed with us all of our successes, all of the things that have gotten better in the past year. It feels good to recognize those things, to acknowledge what we've learned, and how much things have changed.
I felt grateful for the chance to celebrate everything that Dave has done. He hasn't seriously considered suicide (except for during the medication change) for several months - he always thinks about other plans. He has changed some of his negative self-talk. He knows things that pull him out of his dark spots, and he uses them.
I recognize his changes every day, but it felt really good to celebrate all of them all at once. It's a really big deal. I've made a lot of changes too, and learned what works for me, but I really think Dave deserves recognition and gratitude for the incredible things he's done. I was glad we had this opportunity to do it.
I am really glad that we went. Our therapist reviewed with us all of our successes, all of the things that have gotten better in the past year. It feels good to recognize those things, to acknowledge what we've learned, and how much things have changed.
I felt grateful for the chance to celebrate everything that Dave has done. He hasn't seriously considered suicide (except for during the medication change) for several months - he always thinks about other plans. He has changed some of his negative self-talk. He knows things that pull him out of his dark spots, and he uses them.
I recognize his changes every day, but it felt really good to celebrate all of them all at once. It's a really big deal. I've made a lot of changes too, and learned what works for me, but I really think Dave deserves recognition and gratitude for the incredible things he's done. I was glad we had this opportunity to do it.
Liberating
Dave's suggestion that we separate was an eye opener for me.
I had been feeling a bit of pressure and burden surrounding chores - feeling like they had to get done, and I was very alone in working towards that goal. But the moment Dave made that suggestion, all of that frustration went away. There were two reasons for that: first, it seemed inconsequential in comparison to the alternative, and second, for the first time I realized that 85% of the work I do, I would have to do even if I were living alone.
So I decided to be "expectation free," at least until new year's. Since I love being with Dave more than anything else, and since I would have to do most of the work anyway if I were alone, I realized there is no reason for me to get my knickers in a twist over whether or not he went to class.
This is one of the most liberating things I have ever done. I don't say that lightly - it's got to be in the top 5 most liberating decisions I've made in my life.
To be clear, I don't usually explicitly state my expectations. I try hard not to nag Dave, so it's really rare that I actually say, "I think you should go to class." But I think it, and Dave can always tell. So I stopped thinking it or caring about it. It made my relationship with Dave much, much smoother, because I felt more accepting of him and more comfortable being with him (no expectations to conceal). But astonishingly, it also made me feel much better about myself.
Before, I had seen all our obligations as a gigantic list of things to do. I imagined that all of these things needed to get done, and with strict time limits. I had expectations in the back of my mind that Dave would help me, and when he didn't, I felt even more burdened and alone.
When I stopped having expectations of Dave, somehow it gave me freedom to stop having those expectations of myself. I stopped seeing our chores as a list of things that had to be done every week, or I was a bad person. I did things when I wanted to, and because I wanted to. Meals still got made, just less often. The bathroom still got cleaned before company came, just with a little less time to spare. And I felt so much happier, so much lighter, so much better.
There is a confounding variable to my feelings of liberation and happiness, because David started doing better at around this time. But he and I agree that that's partly because I got rid of my expectations.
Everybody wins!
I had been feeling a bit of pressure and burden surrounding chores - feeling like they had to get done, and I was very alone in working towards that goal. But the moment Dave made that suggestion, all of that frustration went away. There were two reasons for that: first, it seemed inconsequential in comparison to the alternative, and second, for the first time I realized that 85% of the work I do, I would have to do even if I were living alone.
So I decided to be "expectation free," at least until new year's. Since I love being with Dave more than anything else, and since I would have to do most of the work anyway if I were alone, I realized there is no reason for me to get my knickers in a twist over whether or not he went to class.
This is one of the most liberating things I have ever done. I don't say that lightly - it's got to be in the top 5 most liberating decisions I've made in my life.
Before, I had seen all our obligations as a gigantic list of things to do. I imagined that all of these things needed to get done, and with strict time limits. I had expectations in the back of my mind that Dave would help me, and when he didn't, I felt even more burdened and alone.
When I stopped having expectations of Dave, somehow it gave me freedom to stop having those expectations of myself. I stopped seeing our chores as a list of things that had to be done every week, or I was a bad person. I did things when I wanted to, and because I wanted to. Meals still got made, just less often. The bathroom still got cleaned before company came, just with a little less time to spare. And I felt so much happier, so much lighter, so much better.
There is a confounding variable to my feelings of liberation and happiness, because David started doing better at around this time. But he and I agree that that's partly because I got rid of my expectations.
Everybody wins!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
How fast things change, part II
Dave has been happy the past weekend. Not just less depressed, which is usually what I mean when I say things are going well. But he's actually been happy - enthusiastic, looking forward to things, energetically happy.
Part of me wants to think that this is the result of his new medication, because that would mean it might be stable. But he only started that a week ago, and it seems optimistic to think that it could be working so quickly. But either way, I was so happy this weekend. I love waking up to joy, to Dave bouncing on the bed and telling me he's been laughing at Animaniacs all morning.
I wrote in September about how quickly things could change, about how even after weeks of doing well, it only took one comment, one downturn, before all my worries came back. And now I am writing about the opposite change. Sometimes Dave can have some really down days, and then some really happy days (on most occasions, some not-depressed days. But sometimes genuinely happy!). And I love that joy.
Part of me wants to think that this is the result of his new medication, because that would mean it might be stable. But he only started that a week ago, and it seems optimistic to think that it could be working so quickly. But either way, I was so happy this weekend. I love waking up to joy, to Dave bouncing on the bed and telling me he's been laughing at Animaniacs all morning.
Jokahontas is his favorite
I wrote in September about how quickly things could change, about how even after weeks of doing well, it only took one comment, one downturn, before all my worries came back. And now I am writing about the opposite change. Sometimes Dave can have some really down days, and then some really happy days (on most occasions, some not-depressed days. But sometimes genuinely happy!). And I love that joy.
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