Grateful things worked out this way

I've been thinking for a couple weeks about whether or not I wanted to write this post.  I still am not sure I want to commit to making this statement, but I'll at least tentatively put it out there:

           I am glad, for my own sake, that Dave and I have been through what we've been through.

Two disclaimers. First, I am not at all glad for Dave's sake that his depression has been so bad.  I know that it makes him and his life miserable, that he feels no joy and no hope.  I would not wish that on him for anything in the world.  Second, that feeling of gratitude goes away the second that Dave's depression threatens to worsen.  I was thinking about writing this post last week, but Dave's depression got a little worse for a few days, and the feelings of gratitude disappeared, replaced by immediate worry, concern, and a little dread.

It felt like reaching into a hat expecting a rabbit

 and getting a crocodile

But when things are going well, as they have been, I've been grateful for what Dave and I have been through, and how close we are now.  I feel exactly the same feelings for him that I felt two years ago when we were engaged, but it feels more powerful now.  It feels more impactful or concrete, somehow, knowing that we've been through some pretty bad stuff and come out of it with those feelings intact.  

When I was a kid, I used to wish (foolishly!) that I could have some kind of serious health impairment as a kid that would go away later.  Everyone kept telling me that you don't understand your health till it's gone, but I didn't want to only appreciate it after I had lost it.

Somehow that feels very relevant to me now.  I feel like I can appreciate when things are going well a hundred times more than I could two years ago.  Even though the feelings are the same, my gratitude and appreciation is so very different.  So for myself, at least for today, I am grateful for what we've been through.

Ask me again when we're hitting some pits, and I'll re-evaluate.